New York Diary

nobody ever reads the small print anyway

As those of us who occasionally go away for the weekend can tell you, LaGuardia airport is not connected to the subway system. One can, of course, take a cab there, but that's expensive. A friend asks me, "Why on earth isn't LaGuardia hooked up to public transport???"

News Flash! New York City has a public bus system! For those of you who would rather not spend $45 on a cab from Manhattan to the airport, might I recommend the M-60? This fine bus has all the latest features, including a wheelchair lift, fabric-covered seating, a system for requesting your stop, and even windows. It makes stops at all the coolest places, too, including the Studio Museum in Harlem, the Metro North Station on 125th Street, and the Apollo Theater. And for all those of you who think New York public transportation isn't real public transportation unless it includes a stint underground, this fine bus also stops mere feet from the entrance points to the 1, 2/3, A/C, B/D, 4/5/6, and N/W subway lines (to which you can transfer for free). Surely this fine offer is too good to be true.

But no! It can be yours for just four easy payments of $0.50! That's right, folks. For just two American dollars, you too can enjoy spectacular views from the Triborough Bridge. But wait, there's more! If you order now, you'll also be able to ride all the way to Morningside Heights, where the bus makes a stop at lovely Morningside Park. You can disembark here or continue south-westward until the end of the line at 105th street.

But that's not all! The M-60 runs not only on the west side of Manhattan, but also on the east side and in the middle too. At the other end of this fine bus's Manhattan route, then, you'll find yourself in East Harlem, where you can go shopping at the PathMark supermarket and get your hair braided on the street corner. As an added bonus, you're sure to derive great pleasure out of smirking at those who are paying the outrageous pump prices at the BP station across the street from the empanada stand just this side of the East River. Continue in this eastwardly direction, and you'll enjoy the rebellious thrill that comes with travelling a toll road without paying any toll! You'll then have a brief view of Astoria before reaching, finally, the parking lots and terminals of New York's second-finest airport. View the Northwest/Delta terminal up close! Check out the AA baggage claim area! Board an airplane, if it suits your fancy and your budget.

But remember folks, this offer is being made for a limited time only and is not available in stores. But if you act before the 2008 fare hike, you too could take advantage of the M-60 bus route with easy subway connection and free bus-route-map add-on for just four easy payments of $0.50, or a $2 lump sum. And we'll toss in a bus driver for free!* And unwitty ads on the side of the bus to boot!

But we don't take checks or money orders, so be sure to have your MetroCard or exact change ready at boarding. Call soon! Act fast! If you don't, you might just miss your plane.


*Bus driver only free for tourists. Though bus driver appears to be free to those who live or work in New York City, this is only an illusion and should not be confused with fact. Free bus driver offer contingent upon the City of New York taxation structure and continued negotiations between the MTA and the transit union. This offer can be changed or revoked at any time without notice, much like an MTA employee's health care plan. Bus driver not available for personal use and actually a human being, so it would be nice if you'd talk to him sometimes. Assaulting a bus driver is a felony and also just plain mean, so don't do it. And other small print which doesn't matter, since nobody ever reads the small print anyway.

posted by Skay @ 9:25 PM